


Cain

by RMarie124



Series: Ancient Legends [2]
Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Angst, F/M, Post-Episode: 02e25 Resolutions, They can't stay away from each other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-15
Updated: 2020-05-15
Packaged: 2021-03-03 00:35:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,976
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24206032
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RMarie124/pseuds/RMarie124
Summary: Kathryn and Chakotay have returned from New Earth and are stumbling through the liminal period together. They both want to give in with all they have, but they know that they shouldn't.
Relationships: Chakotay/Kathryn Janeway
Series: Ancient Legends [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1747072
Comments: 10
Kudos: 29





	Cain

**Author's Note:**

> Not going to lie, this one took me a while. Partially because the end of the semester and five term papers happened and the thought of writing outside that was like "oh god please no," and partially because I had to restart it twice. I couldn't find the footing I needed to tell the story I wanted, but I think I finally found it. 
> 
> This is the second fic in the Ancient Legends series that I decided to start, based on the playlist of the same name that I made for J/C when I was bored one day. The song that this one is based on is called Cain by EXES.

_They lay facing each other in comfortable silence, hands gently roaming in comforting touches, small smiles on both of their faces. He reaches out to tuck a stray piece of hair behind her ear, and his hand lingers, resting on her cheek, his hand stroking back and forth. She leans in to kiss him, and relishes in the fact that she can do so now. It is something she had been longing to do for nearly two years now, and she loves to kiss him at every opportunity._

_The hand that was resting on her face moves down to her hip and pulls her closer, their bodies flush against each other on the two beds they had pushed together. She deepens the kiss, taking in every detail, every feeling he’s pulling forth in her body. His hand slides lower, urging her leg to hook over his hips, and his leg slips between hers. She swipes her tongue against the seam of his lips, and his mouth opens to hers. She moans and begins to rock her hips against his and—_

Kathryn wakes up, her heart pounding, her hands searching the empty space next to her for the man she’d gotten so used to sharing a bed with over the past two months. The bed is empty though, and she retracts her hand while curling in on herself. She’s been plagued by dreams of the soft moments between them, as if her brain can’t let her go more than twenty-four hours without reminding her that she can no longer have what they had on that planet. They can no longer stand side by side as he cooks and she _tries_ to help him despite being useless at it. She can no longer pretend to garden as she watches him work on his latest project, taking in the sight of how beautiful he looks when he’s concentrating. 

Tears surface, as they do almost every night, and she lets them fall silently. Kathryn stares at the wall of her bedroom through the haze of tears, wondering if Chakotay is having as much trouble adjusting to sleeping alone as she is. It’s been two weeks since they came back aboard _Voyager_ , and they are still stumbling to figure out what the hell they’re doing. They have decided to reduce their dinners to once a week until they feel more stable, but it is still difficult. Her hand still often lingers too long on his chest at the end of the night, their gazes linger just a bit too long, and he looks as though it pains him that he cannot kiss her goodnight. 

It pains her, too. 

She has felt something building inside her these last two weeks. Something inevitable, and something dangerous. It looms ahead of her, and she is trying too hard to push the feelings down, to put off what she knows is coming. There have been too many nights where she has to take deep breaths, to dig her fingernails into her palms, to soundproof her room so she can scream, just so she can prevent herself from going to his quarters and crawling into bed with him. 

Tonight feels like the end of the rope that’s been fraying since they got word from Tuvok that _Voyager_ was on its way back. She throws her blanket off her body and stands, every inch of her body alight with the desire to go through with the impulse that has been beating away at her self control for two weeks. Kathryn walks towards the door in her quarters, her vision narrowed in on the plain grey doors that could open so easily to let her out into the corridor, towards Chakotay’s quarters. She can see it all play out in her mind, playing it over in her head to urge herself on. 

Right before she reaches the sensor to her door, Kathryn stops herself. Her rational side has finally caught up with the impulsive side, stopping her in her tracks, screaming at her not to go and ruin the delicate balance they have been forging. With a shaking voice, she orders the computer to lock her in her quarters until her morning alarm, barring emergencies. She balls her hands into fists and lets the tears come again, wondering not for the first time that night if he is fighting these urges just as hard as she is. 

————

They pull it together long enough to make it through being stranded on that God forsaken planet that Seska marooned them on. Although Kathryn knows that their desire to make it out of that situation and their increased stress level overrode everything that they had been dealing with. 

“Chakotay, what if this all goes wrong?” She whispers to him one night after everyone has gone to sleep. They are seated together further away from the crew so as not to wake them.

“Then we’ll learn how to live here.” He says simply. “And hope that it’s just taking Tom longer than we thought.”

Kathryn nods and looks at him. She knows he sees fear in her eyes, because he reaches out to grab both of her hands in his. “I’m scared, Chakotay.” 

He winds their fingers together. “Me too, Kathryn.” 

She knows that she shouldn’t, but she scoots closer to him. Her need for comfort overrides everything in this moment. Immediately, he understands what she’s requesting and he lies down, arms open, inviting her in. Kathryn lies down, fitting herself against him and curling into herself, relaxing as soon as Chakotay’s arms wrap around her. She has not forgotten how well she fits against him, and this moment is a taunt as much as it is a gift. She feels safe, despite the warning bells in her head that are telling her that this is breaking down the barriers they had been so carefully building up. 

“I know we shouldn’t be doing this.” He whispers, his voice close to her ear. “I know that it undermines what we’ve been working on, but it’s okay to need someone to hold you.” 

Kathryn simply tries to get closer than she already is. 

“Try and get some rest, Kathryn.” He places a gentle kiss to the back of her neck. “I’ve got you.”

As she drifts into fitful sleep, she feels part of her defenses crumble. 

—————

It is quiet in her quarters as they eat. The silence at dinner has returned to pleasant in the last week, and for that, Kathryn was grateful. It finally feels as though for the most part, they are finding their footing again, not just as Kathryn and Chakotay, but as Captain and First Officer. On duty, there is a safe amount of flirting, a safe amount of touching his chest, and they are able to have dinner more than once a week again. It is safe, it is comfortable, and it is sure. In some ways, it is everything she needs.

In others, it is completely the opposite. 

Chakotay looks up at her and flashes her a dimpled grin. “What’s on your mind, Kathryn?” He inquires.

“Hm?” Kathryn focuses on the present moment again and grins sheepishly. She fights down the urge to say _you_. “I’m sorry, Chakotay. I was lost in my head for a moment.” 

“It’s alright,” He takes a sip of his drink, “We’ve had a lot on our plate the last few weeks.” 

“There certainly aren’t many dull days here, that’s for sure.” She stands and picks up her plate, extending her hand for his plate as well. 

He thanks her and she nods, heading to the replicator to recycle their plates. Kathryn finds that she doesn’t quite know what to do in this moment. The period of time after the meal is still a bit wobbly, neither of them quite sure if after dinner drinks are safe yet. She finds herself wanting him to stay, wanting to flirt with the edge of what is safe. She wants to break, she wants him to break, wants _them_ to break and tear down their carefully constructed walls. She misses him so terribly it aches, seeping through her whole body and consuming her entirely.

She pushes it down though, just as she knows she should. She turns around to find him standing, his hands clasped behind his back. Kathryn realizes she must’ve been staring at the replicator lost in her mind again. 

“Today just must not be my day.” She walks towards him and leans against her table.

He smiles and one of his hands comes up to tug at his ear. “Everyone has their days. Some days are harder than others.” 

They are not talking about everyday things anymore. Perhaps they never were, perhaps they had always been talking about themselves disguised behinds words about the mundane. 

“It feels like I’ve been having more bad days than good ones of late.” She sighs. “I knew this was going to be hard, but I didn’t realize it would be _this_ hard.” 

“Me too.” He runs a hand through his hair, and she’s momentarily distracted by the movement. “There are days when it feels like everything we’ve been doing is going to collapse if one of us moves wrong, there are days when everything feels fine, and there are days when we teeter on the edge.” 

“Today feels like a day where we’re on the edge.” Kathryn admits, hugging her arms around her waist, though her hands are itching to reach out and touch him.

Chakotay nods in agreement. “Which is exactly why I should leave.” 

Her hands clench at her uniform but she gives a brief nod, before mustering up her best smile. “Good night, Chakotay.” 

“Good night, Kathryn.” 

He lingers, they both do really, before he turns and walks out her door. 

Kathryn lets out a breath she does not know she has been holding, and her hand comes up to cover her mouth, the other arm stays wrapped around her waist. This was the most they had acknowledged their situation in weeks, and she finds that it has helped and hurt her at the same time. She finds comfort in the fact that she is not alone in this, even though she’s known all along that she’s not. At the same time, it makes her want to give in that much more. Tears fall silently, as they always do. She cannot let herself make a sound, because if she does, it will be all the more real. 

Time seems to slow down as she gets ready for bed, as if her body is delaying the inevitable action in response to what her brain has already decided for her. A decision that the rational side of her brain has not yet caught up to. A decision that the rational side of her brain will not catch up to tonight, because she will not let it. 

She all but flies out her door before she can stop herself, striding with purpose down the corridor that will take her to his room. She knows she looks a mess, her nightgown crooked, her hair half up, her eyes red from crying. But she does not care. All she cares about in this moment is him. 

Kathryn presses the chime to his door and waits, her fingers tapping impatiently against her leg. When he opens the door, she can see his eyes are red from crying, too. He steps aside wordlessly and she walks in, turning to face him. Kathryn is trembling all over, her hands curling and uncurling into fists just to diffuse some of the tension in her body. 

“One last time,” She whispers through a new wave of tears. 

Chakotay walks towards her and his hands frame her face. He leans down so their lips are almost brushing as he echos her words.

“One last time.”

**Author's Note:**

> The fics in this series aren't necessarily going to link together, but they will tell the story of the progression of their relationship over the course of the show. I've divided it into 3 separate sections, the first two are Resolutions and afterwards, the second two are Counterpoint, Equinox, Scorpion 1&2 etc when things are not at their strongest, and the last two are in the environs of Endgame and onwards. 
> 
> I'm really excited to finally bring this series to life, and I hope you guys enjoy it :)


End file.
